Oh My!
It's Vendredi!
And it's time for

[Devine la Joke]
Geholt Ihnen durch BabelFish

Anschlagen-schlagen Sie den Witz an:
"Anschlagen-schlagen Sie an,
das ist?
Toby
Toby Das?
Toby... oder nicht sein!"
_________________________________________

The results of
"How long will I be able to stay away from my Titanium Addiction this time" are in:
11% said it would be easier if I was seeing Mr Police again I might have lasted at least an extra day!
11% said he was out forever Don't you know me AT ALL, people?
22% said I would last a week Puh-lease!
22% said Titanium who? C'mon! Keep up with all the men story!
33% said I would be back the second he Frrriiiiinnngggged me

Well *sticking tongue out* at all ye of little faith in me!
I wasn't back the second he frrrrriiiiiiinnnnngged.... I lasted a WHOLE day after he dringed before I replied!
So there you have it!
I am tuffer than you all thought!
HA! I sure showed you! Ha!....

New Poll next week...
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[Messages]
(First time this week I'm actually following my self-imposed pre-determined blog schedule...TVGuide people ain't got nothing on me!)

After only a month or so, we hit the 100th visit Tuesday
Wow... considering it's probably always the same 5 people (à part des 3 perdus de Google) coming to visit, I'll say again: Wow-E!
So everybody together (And put a lot of heart into it please):
Bravo DMan! You're the 100th Visitor
*Cheers-Applause-Confettis-Ballounes*
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[Le festival de Cannes du Weird Dream]
My subconscious is trying to tell me something, I'm sure.
These past few weeks, I've been having the weirdest dreams, more than one per nite and although I don't remember them 5 minutes after I wake up, I get this "what the fuck was THAT all about" feeling everytime
Last nite, I dreamed of Shamu (I can only guess that's how it's spelled)
You know the famous Marineland Killer-Whale-Mascotte-Main-Attraction? (I KNOW you all started singing that attrociously translated theme song in your head just now.. no doubts a BabelFish pearl)
He was all friendly at the beginning and most importantly, he was where he belongs: IN THE WATER
But as it turns out, he certainly wasn't content enough there because he escaped and started chasing me in a house (I'd like to know who's house that was!)
Last thing I remember is Gisèle running away from me and escaping through the gap under the door. Apparently she wasn't very happy to be locked up in a room with me (I knew I should have taken Roxanne instead!) and she's probably too blonde for her cat brain to be able to process the fact that a giant killer whale named Shamu running after you in a stranger's house cannot mean good news!...
If any of you has hidden his psychic-dream-interpretation talent from me, now would be a good time to say something before I lose my sanity completely (and I hear Rico Suave saying "we'll it's not a big stretch.. you're already crazy!)
_____________________________________________________

[Funny People]
A new link has been added to the "Blog Addict" section
Davezilla
No, it's not DMan.... it's nobody we know...
BUT we have at least 2 things in common, and that's what convinced me he was worth linking:
1st, I found myself browsing through his archives (this dude has been blogging for like 5 years!) and amongst several pretty funny ones, I found this hilarious tattoo story that has me chuckling everytime I read it.. (and I swear I must have read it at least 50 times... so far)

2nd, not only do we both have tattoos (it must be some sort of cosmic sign telling me we are destined to be together!), but we seem to be having fun with the same stuff, as proven in today's post

Check him out, it's a good laugh!
_________________________________________________________________

I also wanted to draw your attention to an old link with a very funny story today
Defective Yeti tells a Darth Vader Story, preuve à l'appui.
_________________________________________________________________

[I know... I know...]
Before DMan gives me crap again for the outdated poll, I will be updating it in the next few days.
I just have to find some inspiration for the next one....

Now it's Wednesday, and my "Quiz" Section was done on Monday instead of today, my bitching against the English was yesterday instead of Monday... and I had nothing planned for today!
Oh No! My Blog schedule is all fucked up!
Good thing I don't work for TV Guide, I guess..
*We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties...Don't adjust your monitors*

I still managed to find a little jewel of stupidity for you today so here is

[Ontario Dumb Laws]
(all real laws)

COBOURG:
If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m.
*Pour les comme moi qui savent pas c'est quoi un "water trough", c'est un abreuvoir*

ETOBICOKE:
Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub.
*??? And that's where I live?.. That sewer smell every summer that I tought was from the lake.. maybe it's from law-abiding residents not washing themselves properly*

GANANOQUE:
Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks.
*Get it off the sidewalk and send it to Etobicoke, where apparently there's a deficient supply of water!*

GUELPH:
The city is classified as a no-pee zone.
*Hahahhahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. when I stop laughing, I'll comment!*

KANATA:
The color of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door get you a fine).
It is also illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard.
You can't work on your car in the street.
*....haha.... hum.... pffffff....Hhahaaaa ..... no pee zone...... hahahaaaaaa*

OSHAWA:
Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. If sidewalks is not cleaned within 24 hours after a snowfall, city workers will clean it and the cost will be placed on the homeowners tax bill.
It's illegal to climb trees.
*B & C... Sitting in a tree.... K-I-S-S-I-N-G...... *

OTTAWA:
It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday.
*Why? They're afraid Guelph residents will come in and PEE on them?*

TORONTO:
You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday.
**Relief!* I was on Islington last time I dragged a dead horse!*

UXBRIDGE:
Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k.
*.... ppffffff....ehehe.... No pee zone at the Mohawk Inn...... hahahaaaaa... I wonder what Mr Wong thinks of that!*

WAWA:
You may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet.
It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday.
*It should be illegal to be shown in public in a place called Wawa anyways*

Now, before you all die laughing, you Montrealers, I have a little something for you:
[Quebec Dumb Laws]

Province Law:
- It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time. (Repealed 2003 - However, the law remains in effect in the city of Montreal)
*And I challenge you to find an intersection where there isn't an "interdiction to turn right on red light" sign. They have radio contest for people to call in IF they actually manage to find an intersection where drivers are allowed to turn right on red*

- Margarine producers can't make their margarine yellow.
*At least the english margarine doesn't look like Crisco Grease (man... I had soooo forgotten about that white margarine... HA!)*

- All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French. If the business operator wishes to have other languages on the sign, the French must be at least twice as large as the other languages is. (Bill 86)
No language other than French is permitted to be shown out doors.
*Now this, I'm not sure should be called a "dumb" law...FROG POWER!*

City Laws:
BEACONSFIELD:
It is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.
You may not own a log cabin.

Montréal:
The Queen Elizabeth Hotel must feed your horse freely when you rent a room.
*Does this mean I can bring the dead horse I dragged all the way from Islington?*

You may not wash your car in the street.

You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.
*We should have that in Ontario!*

"For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.

Cars parked in public places must be locked, and their windows must be down to less than the width of a hand.

One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic.

Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.
*Yay! Another no pee no spit law! Woooo hooo!*

Outremont:
Not only do all exterior painting jobs require a permit (for color) but, for instance, the City went to Appeals Court over the exact type of division inside a window frame.
*Maudits snobs!.. Soon it will be no pee there too!*

[More People who are themselves]
The good news is that Genevive is Genevive, DMan is Dman and Rico Suave (who did the test in SUPER PREMIERE last Saturday) is... yes you guessed: Rico Suave
So far so good.
Now at Rico's VERY insistant request, I have to add a disclaimer to his result's picture:
so
DISCLAIMER:The picture is NOT the real Rico Suave. It's only a joke picture of some chump I found on the internet and I chose him only because of the Rico Suave written at the bottom. It does not resemble our Rico Suave in any way, not even close, Rico Suave is much better looking than that idiot and he has a bigger cock anyways.
(C'est triste parce que je regarde la photo du laite pis j'me roule toute seule à toutes les fois!)

Rico Suave - The fucking Machine, Friend of the
Neighbourhood, you are known for your witty
come backs to charm the women. Who can resist
your now famous "yeah... but I have a big
cock!".. Even your nephews get treated to
your irresistible sense of repartie






Genevive - Your Ikea collection comes in handy for
indoor-upside-down-sofas camping, providing you
don't end up in a grocery cart somewhere
playing Garbage Truck or some other silly stuff
like eating popsicles when it's -35 outside





DMan - The Super Pimp Man wanted by the government
for your hacking skills. Although your taste in
movies is questionable, you have an undeniable
talent for finding yourself in the Friend's
Zone


Are you you?
brought to you by Quizilla

________________________________________________________________

[La police anglaise est conne]
(J'peux tu me faire arrêter pour diffamation si je dis des affaires de même ou ça tombe sous mon droit de Freedom of Speech?)

J'vous ai pas raconté, quand je suis revenue de Montréal la fin de semaine du mariage, ma rencontre avec une police anglaise frustrée.
(Une catin s'en vante pas tout l'temps, bon!.. Mais là c'est relevant à cause d'à matin)
Dépassé Belleville en m'en revenant à TO, je roule mon usual 165. J'técoeurée d'être sur la route, y mouille au boutte, les camions splashent partout pis on voit rien, les anglais roulent à 80 au cas ou que ça arrêterait 3KM en avant d'eux autres pour être surs de breaker à temps pis y restent dans la voie de gauche à cause que si y changent de voie, y vont peut-être être obligés de se retasser plus tard si y vont plus vite que l'autre en avant d'eux. Et tout le monde sait que changer de voie quand y mouille, c'est toute que du défi, oui monsieur! A éviter à tout prix, c'est dans le code de la route c'est sûr!
Comme je disais, j'arrive à 165 (elle n'a pas froid aux yeux!) pis le SUV en avant de moi, qui roule pas plus vite que 100, se tasse pas. Pis y se tasse pas plus après 10 minutes que je suis en arrière.
Aux grands maux les grands remèdes, je le colle dans le derrière, question d'y faire comprendre qu'y me nuit, là, bon!
*Tasse toé donc maudit colon d'anglais engeance qui comprend rien de comment ça marche la voie rapide que t'es supposé t'enlever du CHEMIN quand y'en a un qui arrive plus vite en arrière de toi, crisse!*
Ok... j'ai l'air ben tuff de même là, mais y faut comprendre que je connais mon char, et je connais mes breaks... Ca ça veut dire que dans la réalité, même si je jappe ben fort, je suis même pas si proche que ça de l'épais en avant. La preuve, un peu (ha! bon usage d'un euphémisme, ici) exaspéré de m'avoir dans le cul, le SUV flash ses breaks, s'imaginant que j'va avoir la peur de ma vie pis que j'va soit me tenir plus loin, ou bennon rentrer dans le décor en breakant trop sec pis ça sera ben rien que ce que je mérite. Sauf que je suis même pas assez proche pour avoir besoin de breaker!
Finalement, y'a de la place dans la voie de droite pis j'ai besoin de mettre du gaz fait que j'me tasse pour sortir au Service Center, en même temps que le SUV met son flasher pis se tasse aussi.
J'aurais pu être bitch, accélérer, pis redépasser l'épais par la gauche mais j'ai décidé d'être un peu raisonable pis j'ai ralenti pour le laisser passer en avant de moi.
Dans l'entrée du service center, le SUV roule à 5KM/H, met les breaks, bouge pu pendant 5 minutes, repart à 2KM/H, ré-arrête... Mon dieu... si vous saviez tous les mots pas beaux qui sont sortis de ma bouche pure!
FINALEMENT, le maudit fatiguant de SUV s'en va de mon chemin pis j'arrête à la pompe de gas.
J'vous ai tu dit que j'avais une envie pressante d'aller pisser, aussi?
J'commence à courir pour aller soulager ma vessie gonflée.. pis j'me ramasse nez-à-nez avec une espèce d'anglaise laite en uniforme de police qui me tient son etui avec sa badge dans la face pis qui me bloque le passage.
En me tortillant les jambes croisées, je la regarde avec mes yeux jaunes de vessie qui déborde pis j'essaie de comprendre ce qu'elle me radote. Finalement, je réussis à comprendre que le SUV, c'était elle (oops) pis qu'elle est pas contente parce que je la suivait de trop proche and that's a major accident waiting to happen pis que j'ai même essayé de la dépasser par la droite quand elle avait déjà mis son flasher pour se tasser (bullshit, maudite niaiseuse! J'me tassais pour sortir ici!) and that's illegal... J'ai commencé à me défendre en essayant d'y faire comprendre que 1, je me suis tassée en même temps qu'elle mettais son flasher (si j'avais voulu te dépasser par la droite, fie-toi sur moi que t'aurais pas passé en avant!) que 2, si j'avais été si proche que ça de son derrière, j'y aurait rentré dedans quand elle arrêtait pas de breaker pour rien... Mais ma vessie se faisant de plus en plus pressante, j'ai décidé que ça valait même pas la peine de continuer de m'obstiner avec une anglaise bornée qui fait juste me répéter "you were following too close and that's dangerous.. and that's a major accident waiting to happen" pis j'ai dit "ok *soupir d'être tannée* I had not realized.. I am sorry (Pantoute) I am sorry.. yes ok....ok... ok.. can I go now?"
Pauvre madame police... j'peux pas croire qu'elle s'est pas rendu compte que ses sermons donnaient rien pantoute avec moi pis que j'avais pas ben ben l'air sincère dans mon acte de contrition.
Quand chue repartie (mon char plein de gaz pis ma vessie enfin allégée) j'en revenait pas encore de la panique des anglais, que quand on les suit à moins que 2 chars de distance, y paniquent.

Tout ça pour dire qu'à matin, en m'en venant au travail, je me suis malencontreusement ramassée en arrière d'une police (identifiable, celle-là, par son char de police). Je suis raisonable, je roule juste 60 dans une zone de 50, pis je suis la police tranquilement, minding my own business. Jusqu'à ce qu'il fourre les breaks, continue un peu, remet les breaks, pis se tasse à droite. J'peux pas croire qu'il va m'arrêter, lui-là, parce que je roule 10 de plus que la limite, voyons!
Pis y me regarde avec des gros yeux quand j'arrive à sa hauteur pis y baisse sa vitre.
Woops
Je baisse ma musique de fou qui est à tue-tête évidemment (j'ai quasiment peur qu'il me donne un ticket for noise pollution), je baisse ma vitre de son bord, pis je le regarde avec une face de quessé-que-tu-veux-je-suis-blonde-et-j'ai-aucune-idée-qu'est-ce-que-je-peux-bien-avoir-fait-de-pas-correcte.
"You were following me way too close.. That's an accident waiting to happen" (c'est probablement une phrase qu'y leur apprenent à l'école de polices connes)
Eille sacrament... vous êtes toute virés fous?!! Ce monde là survivrait jamais à Montréal que quand quelqu'un te colle au cul, y COLLE pour vrai, y fait pas semblant! Quand on voit pu les lumières du char en arrière, LA énarve toi.. sinon slaque ton pompon, man!
J'ai pris mon air confus et innocent pis en espérant pas rentrer dans le char en avant parce que je regarde pas à cause que je fais la conversation avec la police à côté de moi en roulant, je lui fais mes plus plates excuses pis je continue mon chemin en suivant le char en avant à 3KM de distance.... juste être sure

[Y'a d'la joie]
Non mais putain de merde, les paroles de Linkin Park en français, c'est en demande! *to read with a Parisian French accent*
A second person hit this site, looking for a translation of Linkin Park Lyrics..
Some chick who signed the guest book but although I have received an email telling me she signed it, I can't find her entry anywhere
Maybe it's not an international Guest Book and automatically rejects people I don't know?
Ha!
Toujours est-il que this poor chick, 7 hours later in her day, does a new search, this time for "francois perusse ma voisine" and after hitting some site with les pochettes de disques Quebecois that recognized Francois Perusse, L'album de ma vie and (of course) Rock Voisine, she ends up on MY site again...
AND clicks on it again to go have a look see.
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I know it's Monday and not Wednesday
I know I should be writing the "Les anglais sont cons" section
and wait until Wednesday for the "Quiz" section
But I didn't sleep last nite so my brain is dead
and I worked on it all weekend and laughed my ass off by myself cuz I was finding myself funny
So fuck waiting till Wednesday, here is the

[Are You You?]
test
Please Shout Out or Guest Book your results!

*I'm sorry I couldn't include everybody in it...*

Cinnamon Chrome - The Evil Blondie leaving a trail
of broken hearts behind you. Anonymous weekly
meetings reuniting those you destroyed with
your cruel man-eating games are happening all
over the country


Take the Are you you? Test
brought to you by Quizilla

FUCK! And I wanted to be Rico Suave... he's so much cooler!!